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Let’s get real for a second. If you’re going to be your authentic self—if you’re going to live in a way that feels true and honest—there’s something you need to know: 50% of people will love you, and 50% of people won’t. And that’s okay.
I remember hearing this in a seminar once, and instantly, it made sense. But let’s be honest—understanding something intellectually and actually living it are two very different things. We all struggle with this to some degree. Whether it's in relationships, work, or even in therapy, the desire to be liked can overshadow our ability to be true to ourselves.
So, how do we move past the need for approval and step into our true, authentic selves? And what does that even mean? Let’s explore this journey together.
Brené Brown, in her book Daring Greatly, reminds us that vulnerability is key. To be real, we have to embrace imperfection. That means allowing ourselves to breathe, show up fully, and resist the urge to hide behind social masks.
When we stop breathing—literally holding our breath—we cut off connection, both with ourselves and others. So, if nothing else, breathe. Take a deep breath right now. (No, seriously—do it.) Feel your body relax just a little? Good. Let’s keep going.
If you answered yes to any of these, you’re not alone. Many therapists (and, well, humans in general) struggle with people-pleasing. But here’s the catch: people-pleasing is not the same as being compassionate.
When we constantly adjust ourselves to be likable, we lose touch with who we actually are. And that creates a disconnect—not only with others but within ourselves. The Science Behind People-Pleasing and Perfectionism
Did you know that people-pleasing is tied to our brain chemistry?
When we feel the need to be right or avoid conflict, our bodies flood with cortisol and adrenaline—stress hormones that keep us in a heightened state of anxiety. On the flip side, when we people-please to stay “safe,” our nervous system shuts down, making us feel small, frozen, and disconnected.
The antidote? Oxytocin. Known as the “love hormone,” oxytocin is released when we experience real, meaningful connection. True authenticity—being real, open-hearted, and imperfect—creates the conditions for oxytocin to flow. It allows us to engage fully, rather than reacting from a place of fear or avoidance.
So, the question becomes: Are you operating from stress and fear, or from a place of genuine connection? Understanding Your Authentic Self: The Three Layers
Imagine yourself as a tree trunk with three rings:
1. The outer layer (the mask) – This is the persona we present to the world—the version of ourselves that feels safe and socially acceptable.
2. The middle layer (the shadow) – This is where we stuff down all the things we don’t want to acknowledge—fear, insecurity, shame.
3. The core (the true self) – This is where our unconditioned, authentic self lives—the part of us that is wise, compassionate, and whole.
The journey to authenticity isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about peeling back the layers and returning to who we’ve always been.
People-pleasing is often a survival mechanism—a learned way to avoid conflict and maintain connection. And while it may have helped in childhood, it can become a major roadblock in adulthood.
But here’s the good news: Attachment patterns are not fixed. We can rewire our brains, build self-trust, and step into a more authentic way of being.
1. Start Noticing – Pay attention to when you’re saying yes when you really mean no. Notice when you shift your opinions to match those around you.
2. Breathe Before Responding – Give yourself a moment before automatically agreeing or placating someone.
3. Practice Small Acts of Honesty – You don’t have to overhaul your personality overnight. Start by being just 5% more honest in conversations.
4. Set Boundaries with Kindness – Boundaries are not about shutting people out—they’re about honoring yourself while staying connected.
5. Get Comfortable with Discomfort – Not everyone will like you. And that’s okay. Your peace is worth more than their approval.
Whether you’re a therapist, a client, or just a person navigating life, the journey to authenticity is one of the most rewarding paths you can take. And while it may feel uncomfortable at times, the freedom that comes from being real is worth it.
So, here’s my challenge to you: What’s one way you can show up more authentically today?
Take a deep breath, trust yourself, and go for it. Your true self is waiting.
I remember hearing this in a seminar once, and instantly, it made sense. But let’s be honest—understanding something intellectually and actually living it are two very different things. We all struggle with this to some degree. Whether it's in relationships, work, or even in therapy, the desire to be liked can overshadow our ability to be true to ourselves.
So, how do we move past the need for approval and step into our true, authentic selves? And what does that even mean? Let’s explore this journey together.
Creating a Safe Space for Authenticity
First, let’s set the stage for an honest conversation about authenticity. If we’re going to truly explore this, we need a space free of judgment—starting with ourselves. Compassion, both for ourselves and for others, is the foundation of this work.Brené Brown, in her book Daring Greatly, reminds us that vulnerability is key. To be real, we have to embrace imperfection. That means allowing ourselves to breathe, show up fully, and resist the urge to hide behind social masks.
When we stop breathing—literally holding our breath—we cut off connection, both with ourselves and others. So, if nothing else, breathe. Take a deep breath right now. (No, seriously—do it.) Feel your body relax just a little? Good. Let’s keep going.
The Therapy Trap: Do You Want Your Clients to Like You?
If you’re in the counseling or mental health field, let’s ask some hard questions:- Do you want your clients to like you?
- Do you hold back your true thoughts for fear of losing a client?
- Do you feel abandoned when a client leaves therapy?
If you answered yes to any of these, you’re not alone. Many therapists (and, well, humans in general) struggle with people-pleasing. But here’s the catch: people-pleasing is not the same as being compassionate.
When we constantly adjust ourselves to be likable, we lose touch with who we actually are. And that creates a disconnect—not only with others but within ourselves.
Did you know that people-pleasing is tied to our brain chemistry?
When we feel the need to be right or avoid conflict, our bodies flood with cortisol and adrenaline—stress hormones that keep us in a heightened state of anxiety. On the flip side, when we people-please to stay “safe,” our nervous system shuts down, making us feel small, frozen, and disconnected.
The antidote? Oxytocin. Known as the “love hormone,” oxytocin is released when we experience real, meaningful connection. True authenticity—being real, open-hearted, and imperfect—creates the conditions for oxytocin to flow. It allows us to engage fully, rather than reacting from a place of fear or avoidance.
So, the question becomes: Are you operating from stress and fear, or from a place of genuine connection?
Imagine yourself as a tree trunk with three rings:
1. The outer layer (the mask) – This is the persona we present to the world—the version of ourselves that feels safe and socially acceptable.
2. The middle layer (the shadow) – This is where we stuff down all the things we don’t want to acknowledge—fear, insecurity, shame.
3. The core (the true self) – This is where our unconditioned, authentic self lives—the part of us that is wise, compassionate, and whole.
The journey to authenticity isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s about peeling back the layers and returning to who we’ve always been.
People-Pleasing vs. Authenticity: Where Does It Come From?
For many, the habit of people-pleasing starts early. It’s often linked to attachment patterns formed in childhood:- Secure attachment – You felt seen, valued, and safe expressing yourself.
- Insecure attachment – You learned that approval was conditional, leading to a fear of abandonment or rejection.
People-pleasing is often a survival mechanism—a learned way to avoid conflict and maintain connection. And while it may have helped in childhood, it can become a major roadblock in adulthood.
But here’s the good news: Attachment patterns are not fixed. We can rewire our brains, build self-trust, and step into a more authentic way of being.
Practical Steps to Embracing Your True Self
So, how do we actually do this? Here are a few practical steps to move from people-pleasing to authentic living:1. Start Noticing – Pay attention to when you’re saying yes when you really mean no. Notice when you shift your opinions to match those around you.
2. Breathe Before Responding – Give yourself a moment before automatically agreeing or placating someone.
3. Practice Small Acts of Honesty – You don’t have to overhaul your personality overnight. Start by being just 5% more honest in conversations.
4. Set Boundaries with Kindness – Boundaries are not about shutting people out—they’re about honoring yourself while staying connected.
5. Get Comfortable with Discomfort – Not everyone will like you. And that’s okay. Your peace is worth more than their approval.
Final Thoughts: The Gift of Being Real
Authenticity is not about perfection. It’s about presence. It’s about being fully alive, fully human, and fully YOU.Whether you’re a therapist, a client, or just a person navigating life, the journey to authenticity is one of the most rewarding paths you can take. And while it may feel uncomfortable at times, the freedom that comes from being real is worth it.
So, here’s my challenge to you: What’s one way you can show up more authentically today?
Take a deep breath, trust yourself, and go for it. Your true self is waiting.